


For Better, For Worse

by SilverMoon53



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Gen, i have. so many feelings about this episode, jude perry's last words come up a lot, martin is there for a hot second but doesnt say anything, post episode 169
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24531370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoon53/pseuds/SilverMoon53
Summary: Jon deals with the fallout of Jude's death, and her last words.Helen helps, in her own way.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	For Better, For Worse

"You're not better than me."

The words rang in his ears, echoing even over the screams that lingered after Jude Perry's death, even over the quiet sobs Martin tried to keep him from hearing. 

Was he any better than her? Martin had assured him he was. "No, I think you're good on that front," he had said. But now, curled up on his side, pretending to sleep and just barely making his crying sound like snores, Jon wasn't sure his answer hadn't changed. Jon wanted to ask, to Know, to See. He felt the urge, a deep, gnawing itch that clawed at him. He understood, then, what Jane had ment in her statement. Not exactly, not quite the same as she did, her itch had been as physical as mental and his was purely the latter, but he understood it. It wasn't an itch to ignore, not one that would go away on its own. He knew how to soothe it, and felt himself reaching over for Martin. Martin had said he didn't feel it, so he wouldn't even know if Jon didn't tell him.

"You're not better than me," Jude’s dying words echoed through his mind again, and Jon flinched.

"I need to go for a walk," he said quickly, getting up and already walking away. "Wait here for me. You'll be... you're safe enough here."

If Martin replied, Jon didn't hear it as he hurried away.

***

What had he been doing? What had he almost done to Martin? What gave him the right to reach into others’ minds like that? Who was he to get to Know all he wanted, and face no consequence for his actions?

But no. No! he had said he wouldn't do that. He had promised Martin he wouldn't Look in his mind. Not that that little promise made the itch any less. 

But yes. Yes! He had decided to smite those who hurt him, to take revenge on those who helped lead the world to ruin. He was the Avatar of the Eye, a God among the ruined, pitiful, fearful reminits of those who were once people.

And what, then, did that make Martin? Just another thing in his way, stopping his quest? What right did Martin have to judge Jon, when it had been Martin to insist on this journey? What right did Martin have to limit Jon’s powers, to-

"My my, brooding again, are we?" A cheerful voice cut into Jon’s racing thoughts and he started, spinning around. He hadn't even heard her door creep open. 

"Go away, Helen," Jon sighed. He turned away from her, unable to find the energy to argue with her. 

"And all alone this time!" Helen tsked, ignoring Jon’s order. "Did Martin finally realise he can do better?"

"Go. Away."

"Or what? You'll smite me?" Helen laughed, arrogant and unimpressed. Jon turned back to her, anger burning away his exhaustion. 

"Don't think I won't,” he snarled, squaring his shoulders and glaring. 

"You can't, not right now at least. You haven't the strength."

"I’ve power enough for a fight, if that's what you're after."

"Oh, power, yes you have plenty of that these days. But a fight isn't what you want from me. You want a chat,” Helen purred, wholly unphased by Jon’s threats. She smiled widely at him, displaying far too many teeth and Jon withered beneath her genuine mirth. 

"Oh I'm fairly certain I want to be left alone," Jon said. His anger had smouldered away to cold coals, despair and weariness falling back in like ash. He was tired, weary in a way he hadn't been since this whole thing started. He was thankful to Helen for snapping him out of his thoughts, but he didn’t have energy for her antics. 

"Hm, perhaps,” Helen countered. She paused for a moment and looked Jon up and down, appraisingly. “Then again, you did always strike me as the type to get cranky when you're hungry."

"When I'm... what?" 

"Hungry. After all, you didn't finish your last statement, did you?"

"What? How do you-" Jon broke off with a heavy sigh. "The mazes. You helped build them, didn't you? Help the Desolation trap people in their terror?"

"You always think the worst of people don't you? No," Helen pressed on before Jon could react, "those mazes are more about not being able to get out, whereas mine are about being lost. Still, a maze is a maze and I may have been over to... borrow some people when you had your little confrontation with the late Jude Perry. You didn't get to finish your meal before she interrupted you. Quite rude of her, if you ask me."

"I didn’t. Why are you here?"

"Like I said, to have a chat! But that's not what you want, is it? No, what you want is to answer the question you asked me a while ago." Helen waited then, staring unblinkingly at Jon, her smile unwavering. 

"And what question is that?" Jon asked after a full minute of silence. 

"Don't you remember? It wasn't that long ago and I think it was one of our more memorable conversations. You asked me, 'when does the eye make me monstrous?' Do you remember now, archivist? You didn't like my answer at the time, but I think you found your own now."

Jon turned away. They hadn’t gone far from the Desolation’s domain, just far enough for Martin to not be able to hear the screams. Jon could still see the smoke, even without Looking. He watched it for a minute more, then sighed. He knew the answer.

"When I let it," he said at last. But Helen said nothing in return, and when Jon turned back to face her, both she and her door were gone.

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to make this longer but I wanted to get it out before the new episode publicly drops. I might add another chapter later, depends on how 170 goes. Thanks for reading! 
> 
> As always, feel free to find me on tumblr (@silversideblog for my general writing blog or @tapeclickson for my tma specific blog) or on discord (cloudcover7167). Thanks for reading!


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